I’ve come to the very sudden realisation that I’m supposed to be an adult. December is not too far away and I’ll be 25. I look at my friends and see several people who are prepared to get married or are well on their way to be before they’re 30. Meanwhile I spent this afternoon reading comics (for anyone who cares the book is Saga, and it is amazing). But hey, I’m not that hopeless. I work full-time as a sub-editor at Happy and have moved into a share house in Marrickville. It’s improved both my work and sex life considerably. Yet, that emptiness that plagued me still gnaws at my mind just as frantically as it did a year ago.
The first thing I point my finger at is my ex-girlfriend. Yep, sigh away dear audience. “This fucker still can’t get over a girl who dumped him over a year ago“, that’s what you want to say. And hey, it’s what I think as well. Do I still love her? That’s a hard question to answer. I’m not really sure if there was any love in that relationship to begin with. After all, what’s the point of love if you can change your mind a few months later and not have a reason for it?
However, the finger can’t be pointed at that person. She left my life a long time ago. Sometimes it still hurts like a bitch and sometimes it doesn’t even register. The only person that finger can be pointed at is me. I was told recently that all of the outside ‘problems’ I perceive are projections of my deeper issues which I’m trying to avoid. So I had a think, and whilst hanging with all my mates at the beach today it dawned on me. I’m lonely.
Now I don’t mean in a “Oh God, I need to find a woman who can complete me. E-Harmony, here I come!” sort of way. Loneliness is something that extends beyond just not having company. It something that comes down to an individual not feeling connected to those around them. There are various factors that are both a mental and emotional. It’s not that I don’t have friends. I literally spent the day with some, all of whom I care deeply about (especially you Patrick, you beautiful human you). Yet sometimes when I’m with people, whether it be my family, friends or house mates, it feels like I’m not really there.
It’s like I’m living on the other side of a mirror. I can see everything perfectly, I can hear everything. But I just can’t understand it, and when I speak my words become an incoherent mess. I don’t know why, it’s just how it is.
Have you ever had a New Years kiss? i never have (shocking, know). It’s such a surreal moment. People gather around the TV as they begin the countdown. People have strategically placed themselves next to their crush to snag that smooch. Once the bell tolls I’m left there watching these people hurriedly kiss the person next to them. It makes no sense. I don’t feel left out at all, in fact I’d feel a little creeped out if someone tried to kiss me just because it was midnight. Still, every year I’m reduced to being the spectator without understanding just what I’m missing out on.
P.S. Sorry for the absence from the blogosphere, I’ve been busy with work and living out of home. I’ll try to get back to All My Socks Have Holes in Them more often. In the meantime check out these two bands GRRL PAL and Darts, they are awesome.