It’s Not Me, It’s You; Why I’ll Never Have Sex With Dumbledore Again

“Hey Shay, I had a lot of fun with you too. You’re really nice and charming and handsome, but I just don’t feel the connection I was looking for”. That’s the text from a girl whose Tinder bio read “They call me Dumbledore because I’m the Headmaster”. For fuck’s sake.

I’m no stranger to the one night stand. The last year of my life has been an assembly line of women jumping in and then jumping out of my bed. Considering I make a pretty crappy boyfriend (more on that later) the casual thing was an ideal lifestyle for me. It’s gotten to the point where meeting up for a drink isn’t a requisite anymore, within 10 text exchanges I’m at her house, head buried between her legs.

My housemate Claire calls these sex-capades ‘Monte Carlos’. Why? When she briefly tried Tinder she mentioned to a guy she liked the afore mentioned biscuit, to which he replied in all caps “LET’S PRACTICE MAKING BABIES”. So yeah, these weekend outings of mine are now Monte Carlos to her. For my other housemate Chris, he calls it ‘vacuuming’. Why? I had a girl over once who liked rough sex and a bit of kink. While the bed frame was banging against the wall, from downstairs Chris thought I was just vigorously cleaning my room.

So every weekend they’ll ask me “Out for Monte Carlos?” or the more seedy “How many times did you change the bag while vacuuming mate?”. We always have a laugh about it, I like to think it brings us to together as housemates.

But I have a confession to make. I’m over the casual fucking thing. I’m not saying I want to grow back my virginity, but there’s a certain arrogance to it that really pisses me off.

Sometimes these encounters result in more than a one night stand and I’ll enjoy going on a few dates with a girl. There was one in particular who I really liked (not Dumbledore); a super cute brunette who loved anime and was studying to be an environmental lawyer. Likes anime and animals? Two big ticks in my book. On our third date we had sex. She was very sensual and self-assured, a big turn on for me, but I may have been a little too eager and my dick ended up colliding with her cervix.

My first girlfriend (who I’ve previously spoken about here and here) had vaginismus, so I’m acutely aware of how much sex can hurt. Soon enough my sheets looked like a murder scene but I did my best to reassure her and I chose to stop. A few days later she told me we didn’t have a physical connection and therefore no longer wanted to see me. Given what happened during our first time together I call bullshit.

What is it with people saying they didn’t feel a connection? It became abundantly clear that all this girl wanted was to fuck me. Which I’m fine with, by why waste weeks of flirting and bonding just to end things via a dry text?

Dating these days has evolved to accommodate ‘casual’ dating. I remember writing the invitations to my 18th birthday party and under dress code wrote ‘casual’, but that sure as hell didn’t mean a full scale orgy broke out after I cut the cake.

Casual can mean a lot of different things. To some it’s an easy going relationship, for some it’s a friend with benefits, while for others it’s a one in done deal. I’m not naive, and I dove into this thing well aware that no one was going to fall in love with me. But let’s be honest people, if you just want sex just say so. There’s no need to facilitate a ‘break up’ scenario and then sugar coat it with shallow compliments like old mate Dumbledore did.

And what the fuck is up with ghosting? Imagine this; you’re speaking to another person face to face and you ask to see them again. Rather than replying with a yes or no, they just sit there in silence, or worse, get up and walk away?

Ghosting, for those of you who don’t know, is the practice of ignoring or completely cutting off your connection to other people digitally. In this case, you’d simply cease to respond to messages sent by another. Who would do that? That’s what ghosting is my friend, and it is indeed a very bizarre, and quite frankly a very cowardly way to behave. Yet that is the world we find ourselves in. In the face of our voyueristic (I’m making up a word, if you don’t like it sue me) society it has now become far too easy to tuck your tail between your legs and just not reply.

I’m a big fan of constructive criticism, but when honest communication no longer has a place in the dating world I struggle to feel any enjoyment now from any Monte Carlo endeavours.

Two years ago was when my first girlfriend broke up with me. And while she tried to atone for her mistakes by repeatedly saying I was a wonderful person, it didn’t clue me in to why she was leaving. For a long time I believed she left because she thought I wasn’t good enough for her. And since my brain is simply an amalgamation of anxiety and self-hatred I just assumed that for the brief time we were together I had been a crappy boyfriend. I mean, what else was I supposed to think when she didn’t have a reason for why she didn’t love me anymore?

That thought has continued to erode me from the inside out since that day. Perhaps we live in a society where we are too apologetic to actually speak the truth. Cute anime/ lawyer girl admitted that it was ‘too hard’ to explain why she didn’t like me via text. C’mon, grow a pair mate. Putting myself out there is an insanely hard thing for me to do personally, so the least anyone can do in this kind of situation is be honest.

Say you think I’m a cunt. Say you think I’m too dumb. Say you think I’m arrogant, or boring, or weird, or clingy, or ugly. Just say something other than I’m a ‘nice guy’.



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